Shaun's Shit

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September Rant

Some observations...

I’d like to open with some fantastic news…

The X Factor is being scrapped.

Oh, joy…another platform for talentless scumbags to clamber onto the z-list bites the dust.

The show that foisted so many auto-tuned, plastic, ball less, soul less, corporate suckers of Satan’s cock (thank you, Bill Hicks for that last one..) onto the world. The show that helped make Simon fucking Cowell the almost single handed destroyer of modern music. The dog shit that lowered the bar so far even an anorexic limbo dancer couldn’t get under it.

Good riddance to the show, every fame hungry twat that ever applied for it, appeared on it, voted for an act or was catapulted to fame by it.

To paraphrase a line from The St. Valentine’s Day Massacre... “May you rot in hell...”

All right, Shaun, calm down, I hear some of you call. Although it’s hard to hear that because of the overwhelming deluge of cheers and applause from anyone with taste.

And, sorry to be a misery guts, but isn’t that fucking new McDonald’s ad massively, bowel openingly irritating? The one where people are laughing, I mean. I hate that fucking ad with a passion and I’ve only seen it three times!!!

This didn’t start off as a rant, it developed, fairly quickly I have to admit but, what the fuck, that’s what this section is for isn’t it?

I have a pet irritation. Well, I’ve got quite a few actually but this one concerns fashion, although I use the word rather loosely. Why do English kids (youngsters) wear fucking sweatshirts with American University names on them? I can understand someone English who’s been to Oxford or Cambridge wearing a top with that Uni’s name on but, why the fuck would some working class kid from Northampton want to walk around in a sweatshirt with Philadelphia or Yale on it?

Another fashion point that bypasses me is young guys who have their fucking jeans/joggers or whatever hanging down around their fucking thighs. I know this brainless fad was started to show “solidarity” with Death Row prisoners whose belts had been removed (although why anyone would be using a fucking Death Row inmate as a role model I have no idea…) What continues to amuse me is what some white, middle class twat from Essex thinks he’s got in common with Death Row prisoner in Georgia!!

Showing solidarity with a Death Row inmate might be fine if you live in South Central L.A but not when you inhabit a leafy suburb in fucking Surbiton. Its’s the same with the way many young, white guys speak too!!! Personally, I am no one’s bruv. So don’t call me that when you’re talking to me!! Also, don’t use fucking words like “mandem” (whatever the fuck that is) in my presence. Buy a dictionary and I don’t mean a fucking Urban Dictionary.

Before anyone jumps on it, this isn’t a racist rant. It’s yet one more thing that I hate about modern life.

And on a related subject, what the fuck is the attraction of Rap and RnB? It’s basically the “music” of the untalented. Some twat speaking fast while his mate prods away at a Bontempi home organ with the sound setting on “drums.” It’s not music. Sorry.

Being a rock fan, as I am, obviously doesn’t help my tolerance for this dog shit. I’m used to musicians (i.e. people who’ve spent years learning to play an instrument) playing tunes. Again, this isn’t a Race or age thing. It’s a musical thing.

I mentioned earlier that Rap is the music of the untalented and that’s probably the very thing that attracts some people to it. It’s like the musical equivalent of Reality TV. You need no skill or ability to make a few quid and that is the very thing that makes it attractive. It’s subject matter seems to be either getting money and women, being rich, accumulating “ho’s” (yes, really respectful to women too..), shooting people or showing contempt for the Police. Yawn. All things that your average white middle class kid can identify with, obviously.

Apparently it’s very angry.

Sorry, had to stop for a second there, I was laughing too much. Angry? Laughable seems a better description. Supposedly, “Drill” is very angry. I’d always thought it was called “Drill” because it was about as musical as listening to a fucking Black and Decker!!! Someone actually tried to convince me that “Drill” had a lot in common with Heavy Metal. Needless to say, the discussion didn’t last very long.

There’s a nice scene in a film called Lakeview Terrace where Samuel L. Jackson (playing his usual part of angry black man) tells a white neighbour who’s playing Rap: “You can listen to that shit all night but you’ll still be white when you wake up in the morning.”

I realize some people will be reading this and screaming “this is racist.” Probably white, middle class people. To be honest, if you see my observations as anything more than honest opinions then you’re the one with the fucking problem I’m afraid.

As Chris Rock once said “it doesn’t make any sense to hate anyone because, if you do, they’ll just end up in your family.” I worked with a lovely guy when I was at W.H. Allen who hated gay people. His son was gay and his daughter became a lesbian... Oops.

I’m sure a number of people will now be trawling the Internet in search of my Ku Klux Klan membership number. Good luck with that. As I said earlier, if you object to a few honest, harmless observations then you really are the one with the fucking problem.

This just seems to be one of many subjects that it’s now impossible to discuss without being branded as a racist/bigot/gammon or whatever the current term is. The epithet gammon is used by snowflakes and think it’s some kind of savage put down. Something else that the modern generation haven’t quite mastered. If you’re trying to put someone down, calling them a cunt usually works better than calling them a gammon. Trust an expert!!

Well, this has been an interesting little rant hasn’t it? At least a dozen readers will now have got me down as a card-carrying member of the Nazi Party so I’d better go and clean my jackboots before anyone else gets, as my daughter would say, “butt hurt.”

Before I go I will just say let’s hope Love Island sinks into the fucking sea or is swept by leprosy. The only problem is that now anyone with a liking for brain dead pituitary cases and generic looking airheads trying to crawl onto the z-list will also accuse me of some kind of bigotry. Oh dear, how will I survive?

Oh, no, wait a minute, that won’t happen because they’d have to be able to read to do that and I suspect that ability is beyond anyone who views fucking Love Island on a regular basis.

Right, until next time I’m going to pick up a couple of “ho’s”, nip round to a “bro’s” crib and, if someone questions me, I’ll “pop a cap in his ass.” Know what I’m saying? Innit.

p.s. Best ever response to that “know what I’m saying?” bollocks is by Jason Sudeikis in the film “We’re the Millers.” “Well,” he says. “I’m awake and I speak English, so, yes, I know what you’re saying.”

I use that one a lot.

April Rant - The Coronavirus Rant Part 2'

First of all I'd like to say that the sound you can hear in the background is me eating humble pie!

I did a rant about Corona Virus a month or so ago in which I basically made a complete cunt of myself. Not as serious as SARS!!! Jesus, I should be apologising! Who knew this was going to turn into "The Omega Man."? (Or "I am Legend" or "28 Days Later" for younger readers or those with no taste).

Schools closed. Lock down. Millions losing their jobs. Thousands losing their lives. The psychological impact I fear will be even worse (not worse than losing your life obviously, it doesn't get much worse than that). The truly terrifying thing is wondering how many poor sods will be found dead and alone in their homes when this is finally over. If it ever is.

And, scariest of all, I've been watching (well, catching a bit of in the background while trying to write) ITV daytime TV. And I am absolutely sick and fucking tired of seeing the inside of z-listers mansions. All bought with money they don't deserve and built on careers that haven't involved an ounce of fucking talent. Hearing these cunts say they're "doing a video for the NHS" makes my blood boil.

These self promoting videos are done to keep them in the public eye during this lock down. No other reason. That true hero Captain Tom raised over 12 million pounds walking about in his garden and yet scum like Tamara Ecclestone are asking "ordinary" people to donate money (she managed to ponce a mere 600 thousand from her rich friends!). This cunt is worth 170 million. Her daddy (the reason she's never worked a day in her worthless, privileged life) is worth billions.

Why don't these fucking nobodies just put their hands in their overstuffed pockets? I don't give a shit about them making videos. I couldn't give a fuck if they're making cup cakes for the NHS! To the rest of the world and to "ordinary"people, this is a deadly pandemic, to z-list celebs it's a fucking Instagram opportunity.

You also know that publishers will be queueing up at the end of it to throw money at "celebs" so they can vomit out their "how I survived Coronavirus"/"saved the NHS"/"clapped for the NHS" stories.

Every hour or so one of them smarms onto the screen to inform us we can download their newest single/concert/podcast/video of their babies latest shit. And that all the proceeds will go to the NHS. That "I'm doing it for the NHS" litany from the mouths of z-list nobodies is becoming as familiar as "I was just following orders" from most captured Nazis in 1945. Take your time and your fucking barrel scraping skills and fuck off.

Don't "Give your time"...no one cares. No one wants your fucking time or your shitty self promoting video. Give your fucking MONEY to help fight this virus. You got your money dishonestly in the first place. You stole it because you have no fucking talent so give some of it back to help people who actually work for a living and actually deserve it.

Two words to every z-list cunt who thinks they're helping the NHS (and simultaneously sucking up the attention that is the life blood of the talentless) GEORGE MICHAEL. He gave fuck knows how much to help people and causes and no one heard about it until he was dead.

I would never give to anything if some fucking z-lister asked me but these cunts are taking it to a new level. Also, did we all really need a worldwide pandemic to make us realize how brilliant the NHS is? I don't think so.

In the spirit of trying not to go insane during lock down I've written a book (with Matt Shaw) called The Tainted Souls which is set during the Corona Virus lock down. Yes, it's topical. Some might say it's jumping on the bandwagon but anyone saying that can fuck themselves. If fucking Will Self had written it they'd say it was "immediate" "daringly contemporary" or "fiercely topical."

Anyway, get a copy and see what you think and just do anything other than listen to some talentless no mark whining about how hard they've got it self-isolating in their fucking mansion.

Apparently Sam Smith has been seen sobbing outside his mansion because he's finding things so hard. Altogether now... AWWWWWW...

Try isolating in a one bed flat with a fucking baby to look after and no garden, you cunt.

I think this lock down, if possible, has made me detest so called celebs even more.

So, don't forget folks, celebrities are called celebrities because they have no talent. Writers, artists, musicians, designers, actors, architects etc. are defined by their talent. Celebrities have no talent, that's why they're called celebrities.

The problem I can foresee with the end of lock down is that everyone will immediately think all this is over and that things are back to normal and a second wave will then hit us. But, I'm not an expert, obviously. Ask me how to write a book and I might be able to tell you a couple of things but ask me anything about this fucking virus and my knowledge is practically zero. So just remember that the next time some z-list cunt is being shown on TV giving their opinion on this crisis. They don't matter. They don't know. They're only after the coverage and the cash. And that is the truly obscene thing. When this is finally over there will be hundreds of thousands out of work and possibly homeless but these fucking celebs will still have their mansions, their fortunes and their undeserved sources of income. Let's just hope a few more of us will realize during this lock down that none of us need so called celebs and people will start to treat them with the contempt they deserve.

And a pig just flew past my window.

It's sunny out there. Cars are going past with appalling regularity. People are jogging and walking. Just another day in lock down then?

All of you take care of yourselves.

I'm going out for a walk (unless that's been banned too).

See ya (I hope).

p.s. I'm also convinced I've lost my sense of humour during this lock down (Shaun, you didn't have much of a sense humour BEFORE it...) Stuff that would have prompted a sarcastic comment or a derisive grunt from me is now causing furiously angry reaction!!! A virus that causes anger and fury... I think it's already been done... Sod it, there goes another book...

March Rant - aka 'The Coronavirus Rant'

I know it's serious. I appreciate we're all going to die of it and that the results might make the opening scenes of "28 Days Later" and "War of the Worlds" look trivial in comparison but, I am sick and fucking tired of hearing about Corona Virus!

I understand that Italy is now being treated like the country equivalent of Typhoid Mary, that Chinese restaurants are going out of business left right and centre but I would love to turn on a news bulletin and not be told yet again to wash my hands until the skin comes off or that another person has contracted it/died of it/got a bit of cough!

I'm not a medical expert. I know fuck all about how viruses spread. I might even have it and not know it but, please, can't we just ease up a bit? Thank Christ there wasn't TV during the Black Death. I can imagine some prick from a Reality Show on there talking about their bubos or fucking Bradley Walsh telling us all about rats from Siberia and fleas. And mark my words, Z-list celebs will be queueing up to tell how they think they might have the virus (and are battling it bravely). Or the first no mark to get it will get their own series.

Speaking of the Black Death, let's just compare the relative mortality rates of that and Corona Virus. Bubonic plague wiped out two thirds of Europe. Two fucking thirds!!! Corona Virus, we are told, is less lethal than SARS and, considering SARS was about as deadly as stubbing your fucking toe maybe we're all over reacting slightly (check out the South Park called "Red Man's Greed" to see how truly lethal SARS was...)

And, can someone explain to me why people are panic buying toilet rolls? Does contracting Corona Virus make your bowels collapse? (like Ebola makes you shit your intestines out?). Or are those responsible for the panic buying anticipating such a long period of "self-isolation" that they'll need an excess of Andrex?

I know many of you are probably thinking "Oh Shaun, this is unbelievably serious and we'll all be dead by the end of the month and I'm sure that's probably true but, getting back to mortality rates, compare Corona Virus to the Spanish Flu epidemic of 1918.

Corona Virus....a few thousand.

Spanish Flu......one hundred million.

Fuck me. Now that IS a fucking virus.

Admittedly a dose of Corona is probably preferable to sitting through a complete episode of Loose Women but I'm still sick of hearing about it. What frightens me more is the possibility of football being cancelled (which it now has until April at least) and cinemas shutting down. And what comes after that? Will the internet crash? Will TV cease to be because no one wants to go into a studio with someone who might be infected? THESE are serious fucking considerations.

So, let's hope the virus just wipes out so-called fucking celebs and doesn't bother us mere mortals. A news bulletin detailing how the entire cast of TOWIE, Made in Chelsea and every other reality show had died of the virus is one I'd watch (and record). Until then, I hope everyone stays healthy.

Moving on to other matters, am I the only one who has seen "The Invisible Man" and been pleasantly surprised at how good it is? Admittedly the only similarity with the original is that the villain's name is Griffin but is is a very good film.

I've also seen "Like a Boss", "Doolittle" and "Sonic the Hedgehog" all three of which were fucking abysmal.

"Dark Waters" was reasonable but didn't pack the punch it wanted to.

"The Hunt" was tolerable but hardly original (think "The Hounds of Zaroff" meets "Open Season").

I'm looking forward to "Trolls World Tour" personally. I liked the first one and Anna Kendrick voices the leading troll and I fucking love Anna Kendrick, sue me!

Can you imagine her in an adaptation of one of my books? Er...no, neither can I but we can all dream can't we?

Right folks, look after yourselves. I'm off to buy bog roll....

p.s. Having just come from a Tesco with empty shelves I realize this is very, very serious in as much as dickheads with time and money to panic buy are going to cause more trouble and suffering than the fucking virus itself...

Take care all of you.